Barbara Berger & Tim Ray’s Newsletter

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NEWSLETTER NO. 189 / DECEMBER 2024

The 10 Most Common Boundary Violations – and How to Identify Them

Dear friends,

A while back I wrote an article about “The 10 Most Common Boundary Violations – and How to Identify Them” for Levlykkeligt.dk, Denmark’s largest online platform for personal development. Since then the article has been read by more than 46,000 people, making it one of the most popular articles of all time on the Web site. The article was also selected by Denmark’s largest psychology magazine “Psykologi” as a feature in both their printed edition and on Facebook.

It's great to see that so many people could use this information constructively to hopefully improve their relationships!

Here's a short English version of the article:

The 10 most common boundary violations – and how to identify them
by Tim Ray

The main reason why we sometimes violate other people’s boundaries and/or have difficulty taking care of ourselves when other people violate our boundaries, is that many of us have difficulty identifying what actually constitutes boundary violating speech or behavior. We may feel discomfort because of something that someone says to us or see someone withdraw from us because of something that we said, but exactly what went wrong most of us have difficulty identifying.

This also means that the first and most important step in improving one’s ability to have healthy boundaries in our relationships – be it with our partner, spouse, colleagues, adult children, father-in-law or close girlfriend – is to understand and be able to spot boundary violations and/or disrespectful speech and behavior. Because once you are able to spot this, then it will also be much easier for you to change or tackle this kind of behavior, whether it comes from you or someone else.

The 10 most common boundary violations that I and others who have worked with relationships have observed are:

1) To give another person advice, when the other person has not asked for your advice
For example: “Are you really sure it’s a good idea to order that cake? I mean you do know what a sugar bomb like that will do to your body, don’t you?”

2) To tell another person how she or he should think, feel or live their life
For example: “You should be more understanding of your old mother. She’s just an old lady …”

3) To judge another person’s way of living as “wrong”
For example: “This ‘raw-food’ trip you’re on is really weird. Why can’t you just eat like the rest of us?”

4) To say that you know what another person is thinking and feeling, or what the other person’s motives are
For example: “I know you. Every time we get invited to your brother’s birthday, you get a stomachache for days.”

5) To blame or make another person responsible for what you are thinking, feeling or doing
For example: “When you do that, you make me so upset …”

6) To talk sarcastically or contemptuously to another person
For example: “Commitment’s never really been your strong side, has it?”

7) To call another person names
For example: “How the hell could you miss that? You stupid idiot!”

8) To touch another person’s body without the other person’s permission
For example: Giving people long, heartfelt hugs without having asked them first.

9) To handle or look through another person’s belongings (mobile phone, computer, etc.) without the other person’s permission
For example: To read another person’s text messages.

10) To talk loudly, aggressively or threateningly to another person
For example: Waving your arms wildly while talking.

Once you are able to identify what constitutes boundary-violating speech or behavior, it will be much easier for you to change or tackle this kind of behavior, whether it comes from you or someone else.

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INVITATION / APRIL 2024



Dear friends,

Barbara’s latest book “HEALTHY MODELS FOR RELATIONSHIPS” was released in English worldwide last year. Now the book is going to be released in Danish on April 25, 2024, and we’d like to celebrate this event with you here in Copenhagen! So please join us.

Time and Place:
Thursday, April 25 from 4 pm to 6 pm
At DEN LILLE CAFE
Kastelsvej 17
(close to Østerport Station and Østerport Metro Station)
2100 Copenhagen Ø
Denmark

Please come and say hello to Barbara. The first 50 Danish-speaking guests will get a free signed copy of the Danish edition. After that Danes can buy the Danish book for 100 DKK (regular price 198 DKK). The book will also be available in English for guests who prefer the book in English. You are welcome to bring a friend.

If you would like to come to the reception but live outside of Denmark – send us an e-mail to info@beamteam.com and write “Healthy Models for Relationships” in the subject line and we’ll send you a free English e-book after the book release on April 25.

We are looking forward to seeing you or hearing from you!

Love,
Tim Ray and Barbara Berger

You can read more about Barbara’s new book “Healthy Models for Relationships” here.

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NEWSLETTER NO. 162 / DECEMBER 2023



A Fun Self-Empowerment Exercise for You

Dear friends,

We all have many more strengths and talents than we are usually aware of. Here is a fun self-empowerment exercise to become more aware of your strengths and talents and start the new year with good energy. The exercise is based on the universal principle that what we focus our attention on, grows in our experience.

Step 1: Make a list of the things you have accomplished
Write down some of the things you are proud of having accomplished in your life in general – or in 2023.
For example:

1) I started my own business

2) I have the courage to go to therapy and work on my issues

3) I am continuing my education and getting a degree

4) I found out that I am strong enough to be single again – so I did it!

5) I walked the Camino even though it was mind-bogglingly long

6) I’m practicing speaking up at work (a big victory for me)

7) I’m getting better at saying “no” even when I’m under a lot of pressure to say “yes”

8) I have started meditating for 10 minutes every day!

Step 2: Identify your strengths
For each thing you’re proud of having achieved, ask yourself: What strengths or qualities enabled me to do this? Was it courage? Determination? Intelligence? Discipline? Vision? Creativity? Patience? Hard work? Good people skills? Write down whatever comes to mind. You might be surprised to find that you have a lot more strengths and talents than you realized.

Step 3: Focus on what you want to achieve in the new year
Now focus on some of the things that you want to achieve in 2024. Write them down. Then ask yourself – which of my strengths can help me achieve my goals? Focus on these qualities and on how good it feels when you focus your attention on your strengths and on how they can help you achieve your goals – and live the life of your dreams!

Step 4: How can I help?
Finally, (IMPORTANT QUESTION) ask yourself: How can I use my strengths, skills, and talents to help and uplift my fellow human beings? We’re all here for a purpose – and a part of that purpose is to use our unique talents and strengths to help and support each other.

Barbara Talks about the Power of the Mind
If you’d like some more inspiration about the amazing power of mind and how you can use your focus to improve your life, check this new interview where Barbara talks with Nancy Yearout on her High Road to Humanity show:



And last but not least, remember a great way to boost your energy is to use this powerful affirmation several times every day:



Thank you for 2023! May The Force Be With YOU in 2024!

Love,

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NEWSLETTER NO. 150 / JUNE 2023

How my Karma became my Dharma

It’s really interesting how Life has a way of revealing our pathway to us, even if it doesn’t always work out like we imagined it might. In my case, the two new books that just came out by me are a living example of this truth:

My autobiography
My Road to Power – Sex, Trauma & Higher Consciousness
And 
Healthy Models for Relationships –The Basic Principles Behind Good Relationships with Your Partner, Family, Parents, Children, Friends, Colleagues and All the Other People in Your Life

The first book – my autobiography – is really about my karma, my background, the path Life presented me with in my early years, my running away from home at an early age in protest against the Vietnam War and how my husband Steve and I went underground and ended up getting political asylum in Sweden and how I then moved to Denmark…  So yes it was a long and traumatic road for many years indeed.

But one of the really interesting things I’d like to share right now, is the connection between my autobiography and my other new book “Healthy Models for Relationships”. Because the truth is there’s a deep, important connection between these two books. And the connection is – what does it mean to come from a dysfunctional family like I did? That, obviously, was my karma… which led to my life’s work (my dharma!), trying to understand how we can relieve human suffering and help humankind live together in peace and harmony. A heartfelt desire that stems all the way back to my childhood and the dysfunctionality of my family of origin. So I had to start from the beginning and ask what, in fact, is a dysfunctional family or relationship? What does it mean for one’s life and development? Which led me to study and explore and discover what healthy relationships actually look like… which is what I write about in my second new book.

The short version of what I discovered is that in healthy relationships there is respect for the basic human rights of each individual member to be who they are, as well as healthy boundaries and clear, respectful communications and agreements between family members. If you are in doubt as to whether or not you come from a well-functioning or dysfunctional family or whether or not you are in a healthy or dysfunctional relationship, my book “Healthy Models for Relationships” provides a checklist for comparing your relationships to healthy ones.

For more, see either or both of my new books “Healthy Models for Relationships – The Basic Principles Behind Good Relationships” and “My Road to Power – Sex, Trauma & Higher Consciousness”.

Love,

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NEWSLETTER NO. 136 / APRIL 2022

Our Mental Health and the War in Ukraine

by Barbara Berger

Never before in human history have we had access to such graphic pictures, photos, images and stories in real time about what is going on with our neighbors just down the road (so to speak) in Europe. Never before have we been able to see, feel and experience up close the utter devastation and horror that is unfolding in the lives of so many of our fellow men and women right now. But today, thanks to television and social media, we are able to do this. We are able to experience all of this horror in real time. And it’s utterly heart-breaking. Utterly heart-breaking…

So therefore, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay to be devastated, sad, depressed, outraged, horrified, enraged, angry, disappointed, confused, terrified, helpless, anxious, fearful, ashamed, desperate… and whatever other words we can put on the desperation we are all feeling every time we watch the news or look at our smartphones. It really is overwhelming… it just is… to see all the slaughter and destruction unfolding in Ukraine right before our eyes. What can we do but feel devastated and let our souls weep and mourn in the face of such utter madness and disregard for human life? This is the only natural, human response… this is what it means to be human. So yes, we can weep and weep we must. We must allow ourselves to be human and feel and mourn… because in truth we are one human family. And these are our brothers and sisters.

And then, at the same time, so many of us are trying to keep the high watch and remember all the love and goodness that exists at the same time in the world around us. And we can also focus on all the stories of bravery and kindness coming out of Ukraine and Poland and the surrounding countries and of all the people who are trying to help in whatever way they can wherever they are. And then we can also remember and notice the everyday goodness and kindness of so many of the people we meet every day wherever we live in the world. Yes, that is there too. Right in front of our eyes.

So yes, perhaps this is what it means to be human today… to walk the tightrope between utter despair and hope. To wake up each day trying to do whatever we can – each one of us – wherever we find ourselves to bring forth this inherent goodness, this original goodness in ourselves and in every person we meet on our pathway. Because yes, we are all one human family. YES WE ARE STILL ALL ONE HUMAN FAMILY!

Blessings to you wherever you are in this mad, crazy world...

#ukraine #freeukraine #peace #stopwar #healing
Barbara

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NEWSLETTER NO. 135 / MARCH 1, 2022

FREEDOM FOR UKRAINE!

Faced with the outrageous Russian invasion of Ukraine, we are all asking ourselves – what can we do? How can we help?

As far as I can see, these are the things we can do:

- Go to Ukraine and fight! If you are strong enough physically and have the courage, you can join the Ukrainian people’s fight for freedom and democracy. There is no better cause than this and you will be a true hero forever.

- Become a volunteer helper on the borders of Ukraine and join the many people in Poland and other countries who are welcoming the millions of refugees who are fleeing death and destruction.

- Donate money to support the above.

- Donate money to the various charities to help provide food and medical aid and assistance to all the people who are suffering inside Ukraine and who are fleeing.

- Pressure our governments to send more aid.

- Pressure our governments to send more weapons to Ukraine.

- Pressure our governments to put even tougher sanctions on Russia.

- Volunteer wherever you live to help the various charities raise money and other forms of aid for the people of Ukraine.

- Welcome refugees from Ukraine to our respective countries and help them in any way we can.

- Continue to take to the streets and demonstrate in front of Russian embassies and other Russian buildings and businesses around the world for Russian forces to immediately leave Ukraine.

And finally, PRAY FOR PEACE:

Let us pray for the good people of Ukraine. Let us envision the return of peace and stability to this tormented country. May the people of Ukraine find peace and security again in their lives. May there be safe havens on their pathways, wherever they are. Let us keep them in our hearts and minds and send them love and peace and healing. Blessings to the people of Ukraine, now and forever more. #Ukraine #peace #blessings #prayforUkraine

Love to all our brothers and sisters inside and outside Ukraine,
Barbara